Hard day. This lady was so precious to me, such a light in so many dark places. Unfortunately, I wasn’t able to see my sweet grandma these last 4 years. When my sister called Saturday to let me know the family was told to say goodbye, I wrestled with finding a way to get on a plane ASAP so I could be one of them, because regret flooded my heart and I wanted her to hear my voice...that was the beauty of being the 1st grandchild, and the only one NOT in Jersey - she’d always scream in excitement when she heard my voice; I could hear her smile through the phone. She’d laugh at my broken Portuguese and we’d have many silent moments in our conversations, because she’d just cry (then I would) because we missed each other. Then I’d tease her about leaving the family and coming to live with me in Texas - she’d always tell me that I wouldn’t love her as much if she was with me. Then she’d remind me to keep being a good mom and to thank Jesus. She’d end with sending a kiss to Kamorayn (Kamryn), Jasee (Jace) and hug for Zef (Seth). This is how all our convos went - for years! I don’t remember when exactly but things started to change and she was no longer able to care for herself. My mom, sister and cousins had their hands full handling everything these last few years, witnessing her deteriorating and inability to communicate at all in the end. So while I sit here tonight grieving, the sweet Lord pressed into me that guilt and shame are not of Him and destructive of my relationship with God. AND the beauty into my regret for not flying home Sunday to say goodbye...preserving my memory of my Avo. The last time I saw her, she smiled (and cried). She laughed. She made arrangements to get me pastel de nata (as she always did when I’d visit!). She told me she loved me. She kissed me and she hugged me. So I go to bed seeing her like that, not how she was existing these last few years, especially these last few days. I choose to believe that’s a gift from the Lord and I want to honor Him, as well as my Avo, as I enter into the unknown of this weekend; it’s going to be difficult, for many reasons. But God. But God is the strength of my soul and I’m so thankful for His pursuit of me in changing my perspective during my heartache. And thankful for this right now too, because I know you’re ok... Psalm 116:15. Miss ya Avo!! Love...your favorite 😉